How Kirk Minihane Saved Smugsy's Life and Vice Versa, and Donald Trump
After the Ukrainian hostage-taking incident the Kirk Minihane Show really came together.
It was a cold early morning when deranged Minifan Ivan Kellechenko burst into the studio brandishing an AK-74 shouting, “she’s mine! All mine! I will not be blocked!”
Blind Mike’s intern Justin forgot to turn on the Simply Safe security system again.
“If I can’t troll her on Twitter, nobody will!” Kellichenko screamed as he grabbed Smugsy and forced her into the bathroom, locking the door behind them.
In the dark cramped space Smugsy smelled weakness and insanity on Kellichenko’s odious breath and she prayed to God for real men.
Kellichenko’s plan was to kill Smugsy and then himself because he was a scorned coward — but not by using the Soviet-made gun. That was a prop to impress Minihane, and it was Russian-shitty and didn’t actually work, plus Kellichenko lacked the appropriate permit.
What he had instead was a vile of poison to pour in Smugsy’s beautiful brown eyes before ingesting it himself, assuming he would mount the courage.
Kellichenko wanted Minihane to fail and Smugsy to suffer a long and painful death because she was smug and blocked him on Twitter but what happened next became the glue that would hold the show together.
Kirk quickly assessed the situation and sprung into action. He was holding a tennis racket bouncing a ball when the intruder broke in, and he knew Steve was packing and that Blind Mike was useless.
There was no time to lose.
With a nod to Steve, Minihane fired the tennis ball at the bathroom door hitting the knob on its sweet spot with such powerful force the cheap lock was triggered and the door sprung open. With one clean quick shot to the head Steve killed Kellichenko, who dropped the vile of poison in the toilet as he slumped over it, hitting the flusher, and Smugsy was free.
Blind Mike cried and finally called his mother to apologize.
When the police arrived to recover Kellichenko’s body, they found traces of the poison in the toilet because it had not flushed entirely. Analysis showed it to be the same substance used on Rudolph Giuliani by the Russians and believed responsible for his diabolical transformation.
The Kirk Minihane Show was suddenly thrust into the limelight and took on national security implications.
Are the Russians trying to infiltrate the Kirk Minihane Show?
Donald Trump loves Smugsy because she is rich and she’s a babe — and because Smugsy is not a slut.
Not that she has anything against sluts. Sluts are people, too, but the president like most men wants what he can’t have.
Smugsy and Trump share being two-dimensional and she likes the president’s sense of humor and his tax cuts. She voted for him in exchange for an exclusive contract to dress the first lady in the Smugsy Smart and Sassy line. (Btw, Melania says this quid pro quo “is perfect.”)
When she donned the “Queen B” dress Smugsy had designed at the G-7 Summit, Melania’s popularity went off the charts and she relished the envy of Brigitte Macron and Sophie Trudeau.
Anyway, Smugsy called the president to ask him to investigate the Kellichenko attack and Russian-sourced poison, and he naturally decided to be a guest on the Kirk Minihane Show instead.
Donald Trump became a regular guest on the show along with numerous other powerful people Smugsy had connections with and suddenly filling four hours of content became very easy.
The show saved Smugsy so she saved the show. That’s how she rolls.
Quid. Pro. Quo, baby.