Smugsy to Kirk Minihane Show: Can We Still Be Friends?

When she fell in love with parody account @stoolpresidente, Smugsy broke up with the Kirk Minihane Show and he took it poorly.

Not “a week at McLean” poorly, but still. It was rough on Kirk and Smugsy felt bad for breaking his heart but she was bored with the Minifan family drama and felt hemmed in. Her creativity was stifled by the concept of “mini” everything and it stung that not a single parody song was made about her.

The show’s token bitch deserved better. But the bottom line was the Kirk Minihane Show is too long and too provincial.

Smugsy wants a big New York City smoke show — and Stool Presidente?

Smoke. Show. City.

Oh my God! His shitty phone? It is hysterical! Brilliant, even, like his 5 minute pizza-rate show.

Five minutes! Bang. He looks hot and is charming and you’re done.

An X-rated Hugh Grant. Eye candy-plus.

It’s boom boom boom with Stool Presidente, and Smugsy likes it that way.

In and out.

Stool Presidente is way funnier than Kirk Minihane — that’s a fact — plus he’s big and he drinks Sancerre with King Crem cheese on fancy crackers in Nantucket when he’s not at John’s of Times Square.

Like a real man.

Eating pizza is sexy again thanks to Stool Presidente and everyday people can beat the shit out of each other.

He is the change we deserve in this economy. Irreverent, white and rich instead of angry, white and rich.

Smugsy loves Stool Presidente’s haute couture and chic coiffure. His mischievous boyish smile is disarming and the cut of his jacket turns her on.

Kirk Minihane in a baggy gray jogging suit is cozy and put Smugsy to sleep and then, in her dreams, Stool Presidente would put Blind Mike in a closet to cry and not let him out.

It was a sign.

Thanks to the smidgen of Smugsy’s political instinct, polish and pedigree that rubbed off on Minihane’s Show before she left it, Kirk was finally getting the nod from the cool kids at Barstool and heading to Miami for the Super Bowl before the fishing trip to Madawaska.

Her dilemma arose when company big whigs assigned Smugsy to the Madawaska off-site ice fishing event of the Kirk Minihane Show. She was tasked with putting on Stool Presidente’s new 4-step how-to-live-the-good-life mandatory training seminar Barstool Sports now requires of every Stoolie, including Minifans.

(1) Laugh (2) think (3) cry and (4) drop a sex tape every once in a while: Four steps not hard to explain.

The Power Point will be easy. It’s the hissy fit Smugsy knows Kirk Minihane will throw when he finds out corporate at Barstool is shoving bureaucratic red tape down his throat on top of stealing away his hottest, freshest parody.

And then there will be Minihane’s crocodile tears and the Minifan rage and Lord knows what else.

Smugsy’s rejection cut Kirk like a knife and wounded wild animals can be dangerous.

Is Stool Presidente testing Smugsy’s fidelity to his brand?

Is telling a gang of Minifans to make sex tapes in Madawaska a good idea?

Is Smugsy safe?